Rebuilding a family life When women go to war Life on the homefront Audio Life after war (story audio) Photos Will and Tifini Seedorf Tifini and 2-year-old Brayden More from MPR Minnesotans are among thousands serving in Iraq (03/19/2004) Pawlenty makes surprise trip to Iraq (02/10/2004) Resources First lady Mary Pawlenty's Military Family Care Initiative North Dakota National Guard Minnesota National Guard U.S. Army Reserve Respond to this story Talk about this story in the MPR News Forum Submit a commentary Help us cover this story

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Life after war
by Dan Gunderson, Minnesota Public Radio
December 2, 2004

Will and Tifini Seedorf are proud of his military service, but struggling to reconnect as a family. (MPR photo/Dan Gunderson)

National Guard troops play a critical role in the Iraq war. Several thousand soldiers from around the region have been called to active duty in the past three years. In Minnesota, 6,380 troops have been deployed to Iraq or Bosnia. South Dakota has contributed 1,600 troops to the war in Iraq, and 940 North Dakota troops have been called to active duty. These citizen soldiers return to a hero's welcome, but often find resuming a "normal life" isn't easy.

Fargo, N.D. — Will and Tifini Seedorf live on a quiet street in a neatly kept Fargo mobile home park.

They've been together for eight years. Their son Brayden, 2, sits on the couch watching a movie, while the couple sits around the kitchen table and talks about life after Iraq.

"I don't think anybody ever wants to admit there's a problem," says Tifini. "I know that it's not that way and they probably know that, but it's just the front you put on, because you don't want people to know there's problems. You want it to be like, 'They did this, it was great, they came home, it was great, everything's great.'"

	Tifini and 2-year-old Brayden

Make no mistake, Tifini Seedorf is very proud of her husband's military service, but she also knows it's not all roses when a soldier comes home.

Will Seedorf was on active duty for a year and a half. He spent 14 months in Iraq with the North Dakota National Guard 142nd Engineering Battalion, Company A.

Will has been back from Iraq for nearly eight months, and he's still trying to understand how the experience has changed him. He knows he's quieter, he doesn't talk as much. And there are daily reminders of his military service.

"I still catch myself looking at ditches, to this day. Looking for IEDs (improvised explosive devices), bombs in the ditches," says Will. "I tell myself, hey it's nothing, don't worry about it. But I always look."

The 142nd came home to a raucous welcome at the airport in Fargo. Will remembers feeling overwhelmed when he stepped off the plane.

The two things he wanted most were a good night's sleep, and to see his son. Brayden was six months old when Will left for Iraq. He was two when his dad came home.

"He wouldn't even come near me for a month. He didn't know who I was," says Will.

I don't think anybody ever wants to admit there's a problem. You want it to be like, 'They did this, it was great, he came home, it was great, everything's great.' - Tifini Seedorf

"Will wasn't there for a year and a half of his life," says Tifini. "He knew he was his daddy, but he didn't know what a daddy was supposed to be."

"Even now, in the morning he wants his mom. Will tries to change his diaper and he's screaming and hollering, 'Mommy do it,' and dad gets frustrated," she says.

Will recalls one occasion over the summer, when Brayden began crying.

"I tried to comfort him, and he was screaming and wouldn't have anything to do with me. And I came in the house and said, 'Tifini, get out there and take care of your son.' And she said, 'You can do it.' And I said, 'Get out there and take care of him. I cannot do it.' And it hurts, it hurts really bad."

Will says he's slowly starting to develop a relationship with his son. He's also trying to understand the relationship with his newly independent wife.

Before he was deployed, Will and Tifini had what might be considered a traditional relationship. He took care of the yard and fixed things around the house. She handled cooking, cleaning and laundry. Both worked full time, and they made most financial decisions together.

With Will in Iraq, Tifini was forced to deal with things she'd come to take for granted.

"I remember, we couldn't get the stupid furnace lit," recalls Tifini. "And I'm like, 'I'm gonna be here with a baby, we're gonna freeze to death because nobody can start our furnance.' Because that was something Will always did. And this year he was doing it and I'm like, 'Yeah, you gotta do this and you gotta do that.' And he's looking at me going, 'I know!'"

Tifini didn't just learn to light the furnace. While holding down a full-time job she had the roof shingled, bought a new car and managed the myriad of daily household tasks.

"I got home and it just felt like I wasn't needed here," says Will.

"And see -- I was proud of that," Tifini interjects, "because I was like, 'Look what I did. I can do this. Aren't you proud of me?'"

"I wanted back in where I was, my pecking order, and she didn't need a pecking order anymore. She was the boss," Will says. "It just took me awhile to get used to it. I even suggested to her, 'Well fine, I'll just go back then. It was a lot easier over there (in Iraq) than being at home.'"

The military counsels returning soldiers to have few expectations of spouses when they return home. Will tried to follow that advice. But Tifini says when your spouse returns to cheers and praise, it's easy to get caught up in the glow of the moment.

"When he came home, (we had) the expectation that everything was going to be roses, and oh it was going to be great, and we're never going to take life for granted and never fight again. I'm not sure that even lasted a week," says Tifini.

"You're a different person," adds Will. "When you're gone for a year and a half, I grew one way and she grew a different way, and you don't have that growing together as a couple. Then you get back and you clash."

Will and Tifini say there are still conflicts eight months after he came home, but they're each learning to accept how the other changed in the time they were apart.

"I think since we've been together so long, we have a good base of who we each are," says Tifini. "It's just like he said about going different ways, now it's about coming back to a common place and going on from there."

Even as they try to rebuild the gap left in their family life by the war, the Seedorfs know Will could be sent back to Iraq.

Will and Tifini both say they're ready for that possibility, and they're sure they'll be better prepared if a second deployment happens.

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