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Carol
Greenwood
A
Personal Journal Reflecting On Aging
June 11 | June 14
June
11: The Important Things In Life
I had a glitch in my computer today. I debated about
getting this new system in December because my old Mac was
so reliable. It didn't do as much but at least I knew its
limitatations. This new one does everything under the sun
but it's so busy that I don't know what it's doing. And it's
time consuming, and that is something very precious to me.
I don't know if time is speeding up or that it just takes me
longer to do the things I always did when I was younger. Comparing
me now to myself 20 years ago . . . 20 years ago I wouldn't
have taken the time to reflect on comparing myself with anyone.
Today I feel that it is important to view my living with a
broader perspective and make a choice by asking myself, "Is
this really important, on a scale of one to ten?" Or
in another's words: don't sweat the small stuff, and most
everything is small stuff. I still get myself in a tizzy about
little things, but it doesn't take as long to wake up and
realize what is important and what is not. Like a few extra
minutes visiting with an acquaintance at the grocery store
is more fulfilling than starting dinner on time.
Today we are looking at the prospect of selling our home of
37 years. To someone like myself and my husband who are lifelong
collectors, this will be a huge test of resolve to scale down!
This will not be the last time I mention my dilemma of when
to hold and when to fold.
June
14: Of Loss and Wisdom
I didn't write yesterday because I went to the foot
doctor and he removed a toenail. For me that is in the same
category as having a tooth extracted. Another loss. As the
years go by, the losses keep adding up. Do you think it's
possible to have a negative number and still be present?
Of course, some losses are positive—like pounds if you're
overweight, debt if you're in it, bad health, or too much
stress. So I guess loss is neither good or bad. It just is.
Today our two younger children are leaving to go back to their
homes. They have been visiting for a few days and it took
about three and one-half minutes after they opened the door
to be right back 30 years ago. "Mom, where is the shampoo?"
And I respond (as I did 30 years ago) "Let me get it."
Some things never change.
I feel quite in limbo today, like I've put today on hold.
It could be because my routine is disrupted, but I didn't
realize I had much of a routine. My house is cluttered with
jackets, shoes, and leftover food that I don't know what to
do with. My thought is that once I straighten things out with
the living space, my head will straighten out also.
Looking back when I was a very young parent at age 21, most
of my life revolved around raising our children. As many of
us in the '50s had zero skills in parenting, I did what my
parents did or didn't do. As the family grew to four children,
I became dependent on their state of happiness for my own
happiness.
Now, I know that I could not be responsible for their happiness
(and what kid is happy 100% of the time?) but I gave it my
best. Consequently, each time they are together with me, I'm
becoming aware of my feelings of frustration and perhaps sadness
that our parenting fell quite short of being healthy. In other
words, I see them as very spoiled people. This is not all
bad, because I see them as evolving in their own journey for
wholeness, as I am continuing in mine. My part now is patience
and practicing the wisdom gathered through the years. It feels
great to claim wisdom not in a boastful way, but by claiming
it, I acknowledge all my teachers of the past. And to them
I am most grateful.
Journal
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